I just want to give some insight on what I have learned over the years and through God's Word on what it looks like to exhort and rebuke another Christian.
Nowhere in scripture do I see, "let if off your chest", "point out when someone does something wrong", or "tell someone else before you go to someone with a problem". I'll tell you what I do see... I see, "be slow to speak" (James 1:19), "encourage one another" (Hebrews 3:13, 10:24), and "build each other up" (1 Thessalonians 5:11).
If you are going to rebuke or exhort someone it MUST come out of a place of love. It must be because you want to see that person look more like Jesus. It can't be out of a place of anger, bitterness, or self-righteousness. If you are upset with how a person is living or acting; I challenge you to pray for them and live by example. What good do you think is going to come from pointing out someones weakness or failure? Would you succeed and be encouraged more by someone highlighting your failure or your potential? Which one do you think the Lord highlights for all His children including you?
We should use our words to ONLY encourage and build up. That doesn't mean you can't call one another higher or speak truth, but you MUST do it in love. You must do it out of love for them, not yourself.
If we are operating and acting out of bitterness or hurt, than we are not rooted in the Word of God and our security in Him. In Psalm 119:165 it says, "Great peace have they which love Thy law, and nothing shall offend them."
We should be so rooted in who the Lord says we are that when people do stuff to upset or hurt us, we simply respond with compassion on them. Just as Jesus responded "forgive them for they know not what they do" when He was dying on the cross, we too should respond when something like a petty comment is made against us. Make sure you don't rebuke out of you own insecurity as well. It is good to pray and seek the Lord before you speak to anyone about anything, let alone an offense you have against someone.
Now if you feel led to rebuke or call a brother or sister higher I recommend that you do it! That is the beauty of community and doing life together! We can encourage one another and help each other look more like Jesus. That is our sole purpose while on earth. To Love God and love others. To show the world that Jesus is alive and real! So go to that person directly, don't chat about it with other people, and don't expect them to read your mind! They won't know they hurt you unless you tell them. People aren't mind readers, you must communicate. But when you go into a situation like this you must already have forgiveness ready and available to extend. You must go into it wanting reconciliation and wanting Christ to be glorified. If they did something unjust to you, remember that justice and vengeance belongs to the Lord! Not you. You are called to love, encourage, and bring joy so that others may taste and see that the Lord is good. It is so much bigger than your feelings, it is about the testimony of the God of the universe.
Remember you are commanded to forgive! "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another as Christ Jesus forgave you." (Ephesians 4:32) - "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." (Matthew 6:14-15)
How can we hold something over someone? How can we not forgive? We have been forgiven for all eternity through Jesus Christ and so you must forgive your brothers & sisters! Everything on this earth is temporary. Remember that. Remember you are on the same team! You are spending eternity together! And that this battle isn't against flesh & blood. (Ephesians 6:12)
Anytime unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, and hurt are in the picture we must recognize that those are not from the Lord but from the enemy, who is trying to bring disunity, anger, mistrust, and bitterness into the Church so that the Lord won't win more for His Kingdom, for His army!
In John 17:21 Jesus prays to God the Father that we would love one another so that the world will see Jesus! John 13:35, Jesus says that they will know you are my disciples by how you love one another. Our unity as believers is what sets us apart from the world! Our forgiveness that we extend when it isn't deserved is what sets us apart from the world! We must love and forgive as Christ forgives. He keeps no records of wrongs & is always forgiving. We must rebuke and exhort as God does which is completely gentle and completely gracious, with no reserves or hold backs.
I love this quote from Max Lucado,
"When those who are called to fish don’t fish, they fight. When energy intended to be used outside is used inside, the result is explosive. Instead of casting nets, we cast stones. Instead of extending helping hands, we point accusing fingers. Instead of being fishers of the lost, we become critics of the saved. Rather then helping the hurting, we hurt the helpers. The result? Church scrooges. “Bah humbug” spirituality. Beady eyes searching for warts on others while ignoring the warts on the nose below. Crooked fingers that bypass strengths and point out weaknesses. Split churches. Poor testimonies. Broken hearts. Legalistic wars. And, sadly, poor go unfed, confused go uncounseled, and lost go unreached."
Love your neighbor, including your Christian neighbor. We are all in this for the same reason and same purpose. May God be glorified in the Church, may God be glorified in our friendships, and may God be glorified in our lives!
In Him,
Lindsay Kulick
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